Living with myself

2010-03-02T18:43:00.001-08:00

Smiling inside and outside :D

Finding myself

2009-12-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

My dream is sometimes bigger than myself that I still can't grasp what it actually is.
I can't put it into words...
I know what it isn't.
Sometime I feel as if I know yet I prefer not to word it to not mistake my intentions.

veggie

2009-12-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

Sunday 11/22/2009
My first day as a Vegetarian

Sunday 11/29/2009
My first week as a Vegetarian

Something I've wanted to do for many years now, but never said, 'Okay let's do it"
Now I am doing it.

It is a very personal choice, is not about what people say or what people may think. Is about yourself and what you want.
Now I'll have tons of homework to do, I have to do a lot of research because I want to be a healthy person as walk on this veggie path. I don't know everything in the world, and that's okay, I don't need to.

Anyways, just sharing... :D

Trichotilomania

2009-11-11T20:00:00.000-08:00

Trichotillomania

Nicknamed Trich. I'v done a little bit of research on this topic.
From what I can recall today Trich is categorized as an OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
What is Trich? It's basically when you pull out your hair. Yes. The most common appearently is the hair pulling from the head. Also but least common is pulling of eyelashes and eyebrows and also pubic hair.

Now why am I posting this?
Well I have Trich. The one of the eyelashes.
Since when?
Honestly, as far as I can remember, that can go to around when i was 5 or 6 years old.
Why?
I don't know, in a way that's why I'm starting this post, I want answers. From what I've read around there is no cure! NO CURE!! I do not like that. There must be something and I want to find what it is.

Let me try to explain a bit of my story.
As I already mentioned I've had this since I can remember. Now when I was getting older I started seeing that it was something I kept on doing. When I was in high school, I really noticed. But it never was bad. Never. I probably only pulled around 14 to 20 eyelashes in total from both eyes, from the top, in a week or even more time in between. Sometimes I'd go months without pulling. But in the past 2 years, I've noticed Trich to have become way out of proportions. Now I pull so often and much that if you can see through my creative was to cover up, you'll see spaces in between my eyelashes, or to almost no eyelashes on the top at all.

I don't pull through the day really, only in a rare occasion I may have. I pull when I'm about to fall asleep, or when I can't sleep at all. I just start pulling even without noticing. Then my mind would catch up to my hands movements and connect it with my brain, "OH! I'm pulling again!!! I can't.. I'm stopping now" But I can't, is like your hands and your eyelashes have a whole conversation on their own separate from what you are trying to command. You've got no say in their business once the pulling starts.

It is s hard to deal with that because you feel hopeless against yourself. It sucks really.
Now let me say this, my eyelashes are beautiful, long and rolled up at the end, I don't have like a lot, like in TV, but they are pretty, I don't really use mascara. But once I start pulling, the ones who are left from my massacre are, very short, and lonely, no more eyelashes next to that one. It never got too bad before, now I'm to the point where almost always I have to, must wear dark eyeliner on the top, to cover up and create an illusion and since I already wear glasses it really helps cover up. Just about three days ago they were so beautiful again and long, and there I went on pulling.

Let me explain to you, how I feel when im pulling.
I usually just sort of pass one finger over my eyelashe and feel how pretty and long they are(if they had time to grow). And, is like an urge to pull one, just one, just this one moment. You want that one..And you pull it. It hurts a tiny bit, sometimes depends I guess where you pulled, I don't know. But it hurts in a badly good way. You feel good, like it helped you. Like some sort indulgence!!? Ok see it this way.. you have a nagging thought inside your head, is yous there the whole day and all of the sudden you know what to do about it, you found whatever solution fro whatever thing that brought the thought in the first place and the light bulb comes on!! And there you are relieved. that's sort of how i feel. Hope you got an idea.
Anways, so I said just this one, but my fingers betray me and the pull another, and another and another, and keeps going. I sort of like to feel them and see them after I pull the eyelash, why? Beats me. I have noticed though that I may pull when I'm feeling stressed.

Anyways Trich is hard, is awful and is not like I can just say, okay I'm not doing this anymore. Well I can start with that but it won't happen from that easily. I know it. I try a few months ago and told myself. I can do this on my own. But I lied to myself.And it feels awful because I couldn't keep such a "simple" promise to myself.

Well I never knew about Trich. I always thought I was just plain weird and stupid probably and that nobody in the whole world did this, save me. Until one time I googled, and came accross Trichcotillomania, and in a way I felt better because it made me see that it is a problem that a lot of people have to struggle with, that I'm not alone. There is information out there but it is not much.

Now why did I decide now to blog about this, even though I don't really think I have readers, and If I do, they don't let the selves be known, but my except my friend of course.
I never talked about this, only the first time I told my friend of about ten years, which was last year and then I casually mentioned it a few more times. And once my mom for the first time noticed (my cover up wasn't up) but she thinks I don't do that anymore and plus she doesn't know what is called or anything. And now. Today that I am posting this. I went on you tube and saw this video which I'll post below and it inspired me to write about trich, which I've been wanting to but never had in the past few months.

This topic won't stop here, I will try to research little bit by little and keep posting something... I need to find something. Or even people that would like to leave a comment. Anything, feel free. I'm here, I'm reading, or seeing you, or hearing you, whichever way you'd like to express yourself. Lol, I'm silly see.

Okay well thanks you for reading this post, I hope it may have help at least someone in any way. and don't forget to see this video.

p.d: sorry for the quality of the post, I have the bad habit of posting without editing.. I know not good. Sorry.

-Mar

...but I don't

2009-10-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

I wished I had the opportunity and means to get away for a little while, just a little while.
Well in whatever way everything is, blessed be. :)

Me, me and me :)

2009-10-30T15:53:00.000-07:00

Don't know how start this post. Perhaps I don't know how to start it because it is for me, on how I have to be here for ME.
-breathing-
Ok.
Is hard to close your eyes and start living life for YOURSELF, to do things for yourself and really give a damn about other people. Yes, is good to care for others, but what good is it if you don't give a damn about yourself.
So, little by little, even subconsciously I've been giving myself time. I've wanted to do this, that's why I've been doing things by and for myself without noticing at times.
Honestly, I don't watch tv as I used to, which is good, believe me. I've been reading more and I enjoy it, which is what matters.
I'm spending time by myself, away from the internet even, except when i want to write something.
This coming months I'm going to go to school to start my application and all that, it is time to get back in school.

I've been feeling somewhat better, perhaps a little more balance, and I'm very thankful for that because lately my life has been a bit "complicated" and I tend to become emotional and start seeing things from the negative side.

I'm trying and reading is helping a lot. Just any nice enjoyable story.

Well, as for today, its been a good day, I finally took my beautiful dogs to the vet! My poor darling they we're so scare!! But is for their good. People having dogs is not easy, it can be expensive t times, but believe me it is all worth it.

hmmm

2009-10-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

hmmm... how do I feel today?
Lol! today I was funny!
I woke up sort of, down, I don't pray much, but I decided this morning I ought to be thankful for what I've got and pray for those kids that are missing and for people that have it worst then me. Later on, I was still down, kinda got news, that weren't "bad" but not really what I wanted to hear.
Later on I just worked and really was glad to be at work, and then... I was hyper!! lol I do that, I go up and down in one day. Then, I got a bit "lazy"... now I'm just witting this, hehe, I'm weird, I know...

One thing

2009-10-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I hate watching the news, and you wouldn't blame me, I mean why watch the news when around 90% of it is so horrible. I'm honestly tired of watching the news and basically everytime I hear about an amber alert! It truly breaks my heart! Recently there was the case of a little girl whom was lost, I prayed for her to be found well and returned to her loved ones, but this wasn't the case. I saw her mother on TV, and it's just horrible how someone can take a little angel away from her mother. To take her life. The next day I found myself being a bit quiet at work and all through my mind kept singing, "you are my sunshine my only sunshine...." I believe the sang that song at a vigil for the little one. And I kept it without noticing in my mind.

I just wish with all my heart that people please stop hurting kids, what on earth do you gain from such thing? Don't you see the innocence in their eyes, why must you come to them and frighten them? They are the hopes of love and of this world, don't turn their lights off, just don't!

And honestly people, what is wrong in the world? There is just too much violence, is like we're being sent a message and it is right in front of us but we are too stubborn and/or stupid to see and understand. Something is not right, and we all have to work this out and fix this mess.

A better self

2009-09-12T19:10:00.000-07:00

What is it with me and Saturdays? Another Saturday and i feel so happy right now.
My life is still the same, but i feel so in tune with myself, happy and inspired to live. Today I say that i will have the great things that i do deserve in my life, it won't be easy, but hell, who ever said that life is easy? If somebody ever told you such thing, I'm afraid you must have been asleep.

Life is music. you can choose to listen to it, enjoy it or even better you can actually listen to it and dance to it at the same time! Isn't that great?

What about life being like art? You can see it, admire it, or you can create it yourself. Draw it and put some colors into it and no matter what you do, it'll end up having different colors and different shades of those colors. Create life, your life.

Today.. today

2009-09-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today is that day. You know, that day you wished you were in love, that you had someone to kiss, to say I love you to. Today is that day. Is a Saturday night and I'm just in my house, writing this.

I've never been in love. Never. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be. Sometimes I come to the conclusion that I'm meant to stay alone for some reason (yet to be thought of)

Maybe I just expect too much from love, and I'm waiting for something that's not out there.
No, that's wrong. I know in me that true love exist and it is out there somewhere and it will be in my life in its right moment.

I know that, but today is the day I wished that moment, was now.

Me

2009-09-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

Get to know me...
how can you? Do you know yourself?
I am still learning to know who I am.
I know that I am unique.
Simple but yet so complicated. But who isn't?

You know, I make it so hard because I haven't been exposed to extremes, I haven't because I don't allow myself to be.
I am too afraid to see that what I thought my limits would be, won't.
How can someone live like this? I have been living like this and didn't really notice, yeah I know right?

I'm not perfect, really I'm not, but I seem to subconsciously think that I must be, I'm like afraid to make a mistake because the only one accountable for that mistake would be me.

Well that's one thing they really don't teach at school, you have to live your life for yourself, it is okay to be selfish for yourself, to go and live life to be you.

I for one, I am all over the place, seriously if my mind was a building and you enter the elevator, the top floor is in the middle, the 25th floor is actually the lobby and the lobby is where the top floor is suppose to be. I'm telling you it is scary up here, but it is my building and I want to go up and down and learn to appreciate this building's floor plan.
I am learning to love me, as I am, and to allow myself to be and to let my ideas flow, and to allow my creativity to exist. With time I am healing myself, life is about living, always living, every single minute and learning about yourself as you go along.

Love to all.
Blessed be.